31 Years Ago Today

Thirty one years ago today, Hilari and I got engaged.  This was the image made on that day with an Apple QuickTake camera, just before going to dinner.  We returned to our first home, a condominium in Murray, Utah where I proposed on the tiny little deck overlooking the ponds filled with softly honking Canada geese taking care of their newly hatched goslings.  It was a beautiful evening, and Hilari responded to my query if she would marry me with a question: “What did you say?” which stopped my heart for a moment before she processed the question and whole-heartedly agreed. We celebrated by going to the grocery store to buy some bridal magazines and a bag of chips.

Meeting Hilari was the best thing in my life.  She was my best friend, my spouse, and my confidant.

62 days ago, Hilari died.

Hilari was the love of my life, and I am still talking with her.  I think I have a new understanding or empathy with those you see talking with themselves.  Perhaps some of the people that you see talking to themselves are talking with friends and family who are no longer here.  At least with headphones in my ears, I don’t look crazy walking down the street while talking with Hilari. I mean, who knows, I could be talking to somebody on the phone which looks totally normal these days.   But back before modern headphones and smart phones, folks talking to themselves walking down the street looked a bit unhinged.  “Oh, there’s something wrong with them” people might say…  But perhaps the reality is that they’re just sharing moments with their spouses, or children, or parents, or any one of the people important to them that have left their lives.

Perhaps they too are holding on to someone precious.